


gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient

by Cirkne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Getting Together, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Soulmates, Trans Yamaguchi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 03:16:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12761976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: Kei feels strangely like he's never seen anyone happy with the soulmate system.





	gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient

**Author's Note:**

> im a sucker for unconventional soulmate aus 
> 
> title from tattooed tears by the front bottoms

It's not Kei's fault that everything happens when he is eleven but he thinks, in some way, he should have seen it coming. Akiteru's mark starts fading in June and by the time Kei's birthday rolls around, it's turned into a barely visible scar on his wrist. No one tells Kei what it means then but Akiteru spends more and more time alone in his room and he figures it out eventually.

He meets his soulmate and can't figure out why a flower has bloomed on his rib cage until Yamaguchi looks at it while they're changing for practice and tells him zinnias mean loyalty. Kei waits for something else, for the mark supposed to show up on Yamaguchi's body but it never does. He tells his mother and she doesn't tell him that it'll work out. She knows, better than anyone, it won't.

Their parents divorce a month before Akiteru graduates. The day Akiteru leaves for university is also the day their father picks up the last of his stuff from the house. Kei sits on his bed listening to two cars drive away and tries not to think of how Yamaguchi's name means loyalty too, tries not to think of the infinity sign on his mother's shoulder. His father is a math professor and it probably made sense a long time ago, back when they first met. By now it's just cruelly ironic.

*

"Tadashi is a name I chose," Yamaguchi explains when they are laying on his bed, at the age of fourteen and Kei has finally gotten permission to look at pictures of Yamaguchi as a child. At pictures of Yamaguchi when everyone still called him a girl, when his hair was still long, when he wasn't himself. Kei hums because he doesn't know what to say. Wonders if his mark would be different if Yamaguchi hadn't come out to his mother yet and if his mother hadn't been as supportive as she is, doesn't tell him he wishes he had a choice too. Yamaguchi's mark still hasn't showed up.

"What do you think high school will be like?" Yamaguchi asks when Kei doesn't say anything for a long time.

"Not any different from middle school," Kei answers and watches Yamaguchi press his lips into a thin line. He does it whenever Kei doesn't share his excitement about something, like Kei is annoying him. He never says it, though and Kei pretends he doesn't notice.

Somewhere in the kitchen, Yamaguchi's mother is making them lunch. She never talks about Yamaguchi's father. Kei feels strangely like he's never seen anyone happy with the soulmate system. He knows it's not true, but.

He gets up to find a song to play. Yamaguchi stays laying on the bed, his eyes closed. By now he learns to love anything Kei plays. It kind of makes him nauseous.

*

Kei learns that high school is different after all, in the way that it is terrifying. It makes him feel both too big and too small for his skin, for the halls, for his desk. The only place he really feels like he may belong to is the gym during volleyball practice but he hasn't talked to Akiteru in months and he knows how things like this end. He does his best to crush any happiness he feels even as Yamaguchi is grinning, dragging him to practice.

Everyone likes Yamaguchi, because of course they do. Kei tries not to stare but he's drawn to Yamaguchi again and again. He thinks it's like a car crash - he cannot look away even though he should. Even though it's a tragedy. Kei's the tragedy. One of these days a mark will show up on Yamaguchi's skin. One of these days Kei will have to admit that Yamaguchi deserves someone better. One of these days.

It happens, obviously, sooner than he would have liked and it also has nothing to do with soulmates which takes Kei by surprise but, he thinks, it makes sense that Yamaguchi isn't taken away by a mark but instead by his own determination to get better and Kei's stupid stubbornness, making him stay in place.

At some point they stop walking to and from school together. Kei would like to call it a metaphor - something about them no longer moving at the same pace but he doesn't. In the end it's simple: Yamaguchi has somewhere to be and Kei doesn't.

*

Kei's sleeping bag is just a little too short for him and so he lays with his knees up to his chest. It makes him feel like a child again and he tries his hardest not to think of it. Instead, he thinks of the word pride and how it is not what drives him at all. He thinks of Yamaguchi and how he's grown and how Kei has watched him grow while not growing himself at all. He presses a hand to his ribs, to where the soulmate mark rests. He can feel his heartbeat. Low, steady. Kei breathes and closes his eyes and thinks of what will happen next.

Kuroo's loud and Bokuto's louder and Hinata has always been a pain and he doesn't know Lev much but he can tell he doesn't like him. Akaashi passes Kei his water bottle and there's a soulmate mark on his finger and it looks like lightning and Kei wonders, quietly, what Akaashi's soulmate is like but doesn't ask.

Yamaguchi, when he opens the door to the gym and sees Kei playing, grins wider than Kei has seen him do in months. He grins back and stops himself from waving and only when Kuroo clears his throat does Kei go back to the game. The mark showing up on his forehead, screaming 'Tadashi' would probably be less obvious than he is now but no one says anything and Kei's not about to say anything either.

*

Akiteru, better than anyone, knows not to ask about soulmates. They eat breakfast at the kitchen table, their legs too long to fit under it like they did when they were kids and neither of them mentions Yamaguchi. Akiteru because he knows better, Kei because there's nothing he can think of to say that won't sound pathetic.

They've found their way back to each other and most days, Yamaguchi waits for him so they can walk to school together again. Kei's happy, he is, but this doesn't change anything. He still hasn't seen a mark show up on Yamaguchi's skin.

It makes him more aware of the people around them. He keeps noticing marks on others, keeps wondering how they're related to the person's soulmate.

"Watch a horror movie with me?" Yamaguchi asks him though he knows the answer. Kei wonders if his soulmate will, if he won't shy away from things Yamaguchi actually enjoys.

Sometimes Kei pretends not to hear him over the music in his headphones. Yamaguchi knows he's pretending but doesn't push, leans into Kei and waits. Yamaguchi is too good for him, he knows. He thinks of what his soulmate will be like. 

He watches Yamaguchi interact with Yachi and she's sweet, she cares, she tries, she smiles at them no matter how early it is. He grows fond of her, doesn't frown when she calls him her friend but he also watches her, carefully, waits for Yamaguchi to say he's into her. And he could be, that's the thing - he could. Just because someone isn't your soulmate doesn't mean you can't love them. Kei stays awake sometimes and thinks of telling him. He knows that Yamaguchi would try for him but he also knows it would hurt even more when Yamaguchi finally found his soulmate. He keeps it a secret and doesn't know if he's being selfish or selfless. It doesn't really matter, he thinks. It hurts either way.

*

Yamaguchi blocks a spike from the Seijou's ace with his chest. The bruise forms the next day, wraps around Yamaguchi's ribs. Kei looks at it and fights the urge to touch it.

Do you think, he wants to ask, your bruise hurts as much as my mark does? He cannot, of course, and so he settles for:

"Is this the price of winning?" His voice cold and tight, it sounds a lot more dramatic than Kei would like it to. Still, he doesn't add to it, doesn't rephrase. Yamaguchi frowns down at his bruise and shrugs as if it's nothing.

It's not nothing, of course. Kei sees the way Yamaguchi's jaw tightens whenever he has to lift his arms. He grabs a book off the shelf for him and Yamaguchi jabs at his side.

"I could have done it myself," he says when Kei slaps his hand away.

"But what would we do if you got hurt?" Kei asks making sure to sound as dramatic as he can. Yamaguchi grabs the book and sticks his tongue out at him.

"Watch your fingers," he says mockingly with no actual heat in it. Kei pushes at his shoulder and grins when Yamaguchi turns to glare.

"Dick," Yamaguchi says.

"Loser," Kei answers in the same tone and then motions at the book now in Yamaguchi's hands. "So what's that, anyway?" When Yamaguchi looks down at it, for a moment it seems like he doesn't know himself. He looks up in a second and, looking straight at Kei and completely serious, like Kei is stupid for not knowing says:

"A book." Kei glares at him until Yamaguchi's face is split by a shit eating grin and then he pushes at him again.

"I'm breaking up with you," Kei jokes walking to the bed so he could lay down.

"Good luck finding someone else who's willing to put up with you," Yamaguchi says and Kei flips him off. Yamaguchi laughs and sits down on the bed, his back against Kei's side. Kei does his best to ignore the growing ache in his chest.

*

It is easy to forget with Yamaguchi as his best and, if he's being honest, only friend, that their world revolves around the idea of finding someone perfect for you. Yamaguchi doesn't talk about soulmates, doesn't ask about Kei's mark, doesn't talk about his parents. Still, Kei's seen movies and wedding photos, he's read stories, he's heard chatter in the halls.

Your mark appears when you first see them, be it a first meeting or a simple passing look in a crowd. There is no one big moment when the realization dawns on you, at least not for most. His mother told him, when she was still happy, that it is easy to know once you see their mark and they see yours but there is no guaranteed way, no formula to know it is them exactly. It's easier for some, of course, but it is never a perfect thing.

The day he first saw Yamaguchi he had also seen three boys making fun of him. He thinks of them sometimes. Wonders if maybe this whole thing is a misunderstanding, if Yamaguchi was never made for him, if someone out there has a mark that aches the same way his does.

"Did you know," he says at six am on a Tuesday, watching Hinata jump around the gym. "That a shrimp's heart is located in it's head?"

"Yeah?" Yamaguchi asks, a smile that's way too happy for this early in the morning, playing on his lips. Kei realizes then, that Yamaguchi was the one to tell him this, already months ago. Instead of telling him that, though, Yamaguchi says: "That explains Hinata."

Kei snorts turning to look at Hinata, Yamaguchi snickers at his side.

"That wasn't funny," Kei says after a moment but he's smiling still.

"Good thing you have no sense of humor then," Yamaguchi answers and bumps him with a hip, laughs when Kei loses his balance and almost falls.

"I hate you," Kei hisses but he's thinking of how Yamaguchi is perfect for him and how he is not perfect for Yamaguchi.

*

They win against Shiratorizawa academy. Kei flexes his fingers on their bus home and finds he really doesn't mind the pain even if it hurts a lot more now when they've settled and the chatter has faded into the background. Yamaguchi, their knees pressing together, turns to smile at him and says, a lot quieter than he usually would:

"Was it worth it?" He asks but he knows the answer and exhaustion kind of hits Kei all at once so he doesn't end up saying anything. He wakes when they're already stopping, his head against Yamaguchi's shoulder.

They lose in Tokyo because what else were they expecting. Daichi says they're happy to have gotten this far. Yamaguchi throws a pillow at the wall when they're back in their hotel room. That's kind of the extent of it. They drive back to Miyagi and it all stops feeling like it actually happened once they're back. No one back home understands how important it all is to them.

*

Sometimes it feels like something is pressing down his ribs and they are digging into his lungs and he is about to stop breathing. It's never real, of course but it makes him feel like it is.

He doesn't know what happens but Yamaguchi starts walking ahead again and it's not that Kei can't catch up - he can, it's that he feels like Yamaguchi doesn't want him to catch up and so he doesn't try. They spend their autumn separate and everything that Kei thought made them bonded starts looking small and fragile. He thinks, for the first time in five years, that it's time he moved on. It hurts but he knew it will.

Trees will grow into whatever they are given, tangle their roots in the ground, the stones, tangle their roots into bones. Kei wonders if maybe it's too late to try now but he still does. By the end of November, he thinks, he's finally done it.

By the end of November, Yamaguchi finds his way back into Kei's living room. His coat is covered in their first snow when he knocks on Kei's door and his eyes look so tired Kei doesn't ask why he's there, just says:

"Come in," and he lets Yamaguchi in with a gust of cold air, the way he always will because even now, even after Kei's spent three months getting over him, they are still best friends.

"I'm sorry I was distant," Yamaguchi says as he's taking off his shoes and Kei notices how tightly his eyes are shut. "I just- I tried so hard to be better but," he sighs and breathes and then breathes again and doesn't say anything until he's sitting on the couch and Kei's finding a video game for them to play. "I won't practice with Shimada anymore," he says and Kei hopes it's because it's too cold to spend hours outside of Shimada's store now. Hopes this doesn't mean Yamaguchi's giving up. 

*

"What's your favorite star?" Yamaguchi asks while a boring movie plays on Kei's laptop. He has his legs bent under himself and he doesn't have to lean into Kei but he does.

There's an infinite number of stars in the universe. So many that not all of them are named or even discovered. Picking a favorite star is like picking a favorite rock in a dirt road or a favorite sand grand in a beach. It's pointless. Kei turns to look at Yamaguchi, his eyes fixed on the movie even though he doesn't seem very interested.

"Antares," Kei says and the only reason he remembers it is because it's in the scorpius constellation.

"The rival of Mars," Yamaguchi answers, almost off handedly. "Cool."

"How do you know that?" Kei asks and turns back to the movie. On screen, the leads are fighting again.

"I like stars," Yamaguchi says and shifts on the bed, bumps Kei's knee with his. "Favorite Greek god or goddess?"

"Hades," Kei answers and he's only mostly kidding. Yamaguchi turns to him and Kei can see him glaring from the corner of his eye.

"Didn't realize you were thirteen years old," Yamaguchi says, finally and Kei snorts, turns to grin at him.

"What's yours?" he asks, raises an eyebrow. He is almost mocking Yamaguchi, challenging him. Almost. 

"Hephaestus," Yamaguchi answers and all the heat is gone from his voice. Kei watches the side of his face, sees the way his lips curl just a little bit. He knows Kei doesn't remember who that is. Instead of giving him the satisfaction, Kei turns back to the movie.

"Cool," he says.

"Peachy," Yamaguchi answers and they fall quiet again. On screen, one of the characters is driving away and the camera pans in on his hands on the steering wheel, pressing so hard his knuckles go white. Kei looks down at Yamaguchi's hands for a moment, folded into his lap, and smiles.

*

Kei hates fighting, hates confrontation, hates not finding the right words or finding them too late or saying something he doesn't mean or making something he means sting. He hates hearing his faults, hates having to admit that yes this is his fault, hates the word selfish thrown at him, hates how true it is.

There are things they aren't allowed to say, to use in whatever petty disagreement is coming between them. Yamaguchi never mentions Akiteru and neither of them talk about the other's parents and Yamaguchi doesn't know this but Kei never brings up soulmates. So when they're fighting in Kei's living room, his mother at work, Kei grabs at whatever he can think of and yells:

"You gave up, didn't you? You gave up practicing with Shimada. Where's your pride now?" Kei bites his tongue as soon as the words leave his lips because he knows he's wrong. It's been almost a year now and the weather is starting to get cold again but Yamaguchi still practices on his own the way Kei doesn't. It's that he doesn't ask for other people's help anymore. Kei wants to say: _no, wait, I'm wrong_ but he is as stubborn as he was during summer camp in their first year and before he can open his mouth Yamaguchi is laughing. He is laughing in the way that he is not at all. There's no happiness behind it, it's just empty.

"You have no idea what I gave up," Yamaguchi tells him and Kei tries not to think in metaphors but Yamaguchi's words are poison in the way they sound both desperate and like he doesn't care at all. “He’s my soulmate!” Yamaguchi yells and- 

Oh. _Oh._

There's a moment after that when Yamaguchi is supposed to storm out or Kei's supposed to ask him to leave, he knows this but they stay standing in the middle of Kei's home. Yamaguchi's looking at him and then he breathes out and takes a step forward and wraps his arms around Kei's waist. He presses his head to Kei's shoulder. Kei can feel him breathing, can feel him shaking like he is trying his hardest not to cry.

"I'm sorry," Kei says and hugs Yamaguchi back. They don't have the luxury of staying angry with each other.

"You're infuriating," Yamaguchi says and his voice is shaky and he pulls Kei just a little bit closer. Kei wants to say he knows this, has always known this, is thankful Yamaguchi has stayed with him. "I'm sorry too," Yamaguchi says and they don't move for awhile.

*

Yamaguchi’s mark is a small tree on his ankle, yellow leaves forever threatening to fall down. Kei’s flower has not yet wilted. At three am he lets Tadashi cry in his arms and forgets, for once, to be selfish.

*

It goes and comes back in waves. It crashes into him and pulls back. It never stops. Some days it takes everything he has not to lean in and kiss Yamaguchi, some days his ribs are about to break because his promise of destiny was broken. Some days, also, they sit in coffee places and talk and Kei's fine with everything how it is, some days they take walks in the park and Kei thinks maybe it's all over now.

He comes to terms with it in their third year of high school. He's started looking into colleges, into majors, into fields he'd like. Yamaguchi looks down at the pamphlets on his kitchen table and doesn't say anything. Yamaguchi doesn't have the money to go to college, they both know this. Kei lifts his head to look at him, reading a college description, and thinks of how there are more important things than loving him and not being loved in return.

It doesn't let him go and he doubts it ever will but it settles, finally. He looks at Yamaguchi and thinks of a best friend instead of a soulmate that does not love him back.

They're in the middle of practice when Yamaguchi turns to him, tilts his head and frowns.

"Will you ever call me Tadashi?" he asks. The first years are yelling over them, Hinata trying to tell them something. Kei's trying his hardest to not feel nostalgic.

"Do you want me to?" Kei asks back, doesn't turn to look at him. He doesn't know why he's never done it before. When he gets no answer, he shrugs and says: "Sure, Tadashi."

"Thanks, Kei," Tadashi answers, a smile in his voice. By the time Kei looks at him, Tadashi's running to Hinata. To the left of him, Yachi is talking to Kageyama. It's not a big thing, it shouldn't be a big thing but somehow it feels like it is.

*

Tadashi's leaning on the counter in the kitchen of Kei's home. Kei holds his acceptance letter with shaky hands and grins.

"So," Tadashi says, a smile on his face.

"So," Kei echoes. His heart beats so hard it almost hurts and he bites the inside of his cheek to calm himself.

"What happens now?"

***

Kageyama and Yachi both go to Tokyo. Hinata stays in Miyagi. Kei and Tadashi sit in the back of Akiteru's car and drive four hours away from everything they know. At their graduation, Yachi and Hinata had started crying. Kageyama had said: "Thank you" and no one had asked them what for.

In the week leading up to the move, Kei couldn't sleep until early in the mornings when his body was too tired to give into restlessness. When they pull up, however, it all feels kind of muted, kind of far away. It hasn't yet dawned on him that this will be his life now.

Tadashi nudges his side and opens his car door.

"Hurry up," he says, his voice cheerful and Kei listens, unbuckles his seat belt. When he gets out, Akiteru and Tadashi have the back of the car opened, debating which one of them should take which bag. Kei's and Tadashi's mothers pull up behind them. Kei finds the keys in his pocket and gives them to his mother as soon as she gets out of her car.

She takes the keys and doesn't move for a moment and Kei stays standing in front of her. He never liked how tall she made him feel, a reminder of how he resembled his father more than her.

Tadashi kicks at his foot lightly. Kei turns to look and has a bag pushed into his hands.

"You're not getting out of this, Kei," Tadashi says a ghost of a smile on his lips and then motions for him to follow.

Kei's mother goes with them to unlock the door, Tadashi's stays next to the cars to guard their stuff. When they're on the third floor, Akiteru huffs and turns to look at Kei.

"Couldn't have picked an apartment that wasn't on the fourth floor, lil bro?" he asks and Kei fights the urge to stick his tongue out at him.

"Tadashi picked it," he answers instead.

"It's the only apartment in our price range that has a balcony," Tadashi explains from where he is ahead of them. "And the stairs will help us keep our form now that we're not going to be playing volleyball all the time. Especially Kei since he hasn't eaten healthy in like five years."

"Are you just going to bully me now that we live together?" Kei asks, taking two steps at a time to catch up to him.

"Absolutely," Tadashi answers and Kei can see him grinning. His mother lets out a giggle and Kei turns to look at her. 

"Don't encourage him," he says but she's smiling, fondly and so he smiles back.

"We're here," Tadashi announces proudly, arms wide and grinning at a simple door. The bags on his shoulders looks dangerously close to sliding off.

"You can say that after we get all of our stuff up here," Kei says and Tadashi turns to him, arms still just as wide.

"Shut up you nerd," he says and his words have no heat in it because of how he's smiling like everything is perfect now. "We're here," he repeats and Kei rolls his eyes before smiling up at him. 

"You boys will never change," Kei's mother says moving past them to unlock the door.

"Nope," Tadashi answers proudly.

*

Later, when their family has left, Tadashi turns to grin at Kei from where he is sitting on their bedroom floor, surrounded by boxes and says:

"Welcome home." Kei pushes at his shoulder and laughs when Tadashi flops onto his side. Home, he thinks. Home.

*

Kei's never been good with making friends. In his classes he sits in the third row from the top and texts Tadashi when he gets bored. People are nice to him but it's mostly because they want to borrow his textbooks. Perks of having rich parents, he guesses.

Two weeks after they move in, Yachi makes them a group chat. Mostly it's filled with pictures of things around them. Yachi and Kageyama end up meeting a lot of people they used to know, send selfies with them. Kei doesn't answer much but he likes knowing they're there still.

They're still on volleyball time. Which works out for Tadashi. He wakes up at five and leaves at six. At seven, his mother's friend teaches him all about flowers and arrangements. At nine, he gets ready to open her flower shop in which he works now.

Kei wakes up with him and then rolls over to go back to bed. Doesn't fall asleep until Tadashi leaves, wakes up at eight to make breakfast. When he checks their group chat, Tadashi has usually sent pictures of flowers he likes or flowers that reminded him of one of them or arrangements he's made so far. Kei washes his tea mug, puts it back in the cupboard next to Tadashi's. They share a room now and yet he hasn't seen so little of Tadashi since their first year in high school. 

Yachi sends a video of Kuroo Tetsurou and Bokuto Koutarou, arms around each other, laughing, saying hello to "their favorite freshmen". Kei watches it over and over and can't figure out why it makes him feel like he's missing something. He figures it's just strange seeing them again, strange everyone's in Tokyo.

Tadashi comes home tired, eats dinner in the kitchen, crashes onto his bed, doesn't ask about Kei's day. Kei figures he doesn't want to hear about Kei going to college when he can't. Kei writes essays, reads textbook chapters, rolls his eyes at discussion boards. It all repeats and blurs until he doesn't remember when was the last time he and Tadashi actually talked.

Because he’s learning not to give up so easy, Kei starts waking up at five. He sits at the kitchen table while Tadashi goes through the steps of getting ready and tells him about the people he sees in his classes. Tadashi calls him a loser but looks happy that Kei’s up with him. One hand in Kei’s hair and his coffee in the other, he promises that his training will be done soon and then Kei doesn’t have to be sleep deprived just because they’re best friends. 

With his mind only half awake, Kei has to fight down the _and because I’m in love with you_ that climbs up his throat. Sometimes, Tadashi leaning into him, he thinks that maybe it doesn’t need to be said. Maybe he’s never been subtle.

*

The message comes at five pm when Tadashi hasn’t yet returned from work. Kei blinks at it and wonders how this will affect them.

Shimada Makoto has a wife and soon, according to Hinata, a daughter. His soulmate mark has nothing to do Tadashi and Tadashi has nothing to do with his future. Kei sits on his bed and waits for his soulmate to come home.

* 

“I always wanted it to be you,” Tadashi tells him, face pressed to Kei’s shoulder in his bed and Kei, hyper aware of his heartbeat, whispers:

“Me too,” he drums his fingers against his rib cage, where his soulmate mark rests thinks about loyalty and abandonment and thinks about being heartbroken because the person you’re meant to be in love with is in love with someone else. Tadashi presses him closer and Kei can’t believe it took him so long to realize he has it better. “I’m in love with you,” he says, after it’s been trying to climb up his throat for years. Somehow, it doesn’t feel as big as he always expected it to. Just like it’s all falling into place, finally. Tadashi hums into his collarbone. 

“It should have been you,” he says and they fall asleep together. 

*

A week later Tadashi kisses him in their kitchen, one of their grocery bags still in Kei’s arms and he feels like he can breathe for the first time since he was eleven.


End file.
